Deep In Thought

College is over for winter break, and what a crazy last week it has been. Just a few moments ago I was getting my nerd on watching Legend of Korra online free. Never pay for your movies and shows.

Anyway, back to last week. Watching the show, which has a lot of crazy drama with some relationship stuff thrown in, makes me think about my own life. Especially in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. B|


Last week I went kind of crazy. I got phone numbers from 4 guys in about 3 days thanks to partying, working out, and attempted revenge. Let me explain. The first guy’s number I got was when I went to work out. I was minding my own business, visiting the gym at my college apartment complex and a dude was in there working out. As soon as I stepped in he asked me if I would be his workout partner, which I thought was kind of strange and forward, so I said “uh..yeah” then proceeded to do my own thing.

After I was done he came over and said “are you ready now?!” and I was like “wtf…” but rolled with it. Long story short, it turns out he is a personal trainer, promoter, future college football player, and more (wtf again) and he ended up giving me some great tips for my workout. When I was about to leave he said “when will you be here tomorrow?” and I said “usually around this time” and he said “what’s your number so we can keep in touch about the-” blah blah blah.

The next 3 were at parties, of course. One was at another apartment party and is frankly a boring story, so let’s get to the juicy stuff. The next was at a frat party. One night I was ready to sort of unwind and prepare for the next day, but my roommates had other plans. They decided to go to this frat party and wanted me to go too. I almost didn’t. Anyway, we went and it was really country. By this I mean country music, people, and just atmosphere in general. I can roll with almost any crowd, but one of my roommates not so much.

During a break in the action my roommate who was not diggin the scene told us about another frat party. This one intrigued me because I knew one of the guys there very well. So well in fact, that we liked each other and “sort of” dated but he never really committed. So that’s where the revenge comes in.

I decided to stupidly go and dance with another guy to make him jealous. Not my best idea… plus it didn’t work because he was asleep. (lol) I danced with another guy anyway and that’s where the last number comes in. He was pretty nice but meh. I don’t know what I want anymore in most parts of my life.

To top all of this off, my ex-bf has been texting me wanting to hang out, even though he has a gf. This is all deadly information. I hope I can remain anonymous…

Other crazy things happened during the week too, but I’d rather not go into detail. The point of posting all this was to help sort out my thoughts and reflect on this roller coaster that I’m on. Most of my family and friends back home here are in stable, lasting relationships, which makes me feel even worse about my recent actions. Even though I didn’t do anything necessarily wrong…I just feel…cheap. Like I meet a lot of people and make connections but those connections fizzle out or turn out to be not what they seem. I have come to the conclusion that most guys at the places I go want fun and fun only. They don’t want to be tied down or committed or responsible – or mature. I can see why someone would want this freedom, which I do too but I also want some sort of consistency in my life. Not a marriage proposal…just someone who cares about me and won’t throw me away like I’m nothing.



I Got the Blues

Listen To My Blues

Constantly stressin’ bout my profession…I got the blues…

Coming off my last post, I got the blues blues blues! Not from just all the stress of the end of the semester but from the horrible fucking day that I had not making anything better. Plus I don’t know if I even want to go home over winter break. Of course, I want to so I can see my family for Christmas but other than that there is nothing for me in my small hometown. No one to start a relationship with and no way to get any job I would want, so I am forced to leave everyone I know to follow the career path I have chosen. Nothing comes easy.

So back to what happened today. It started with me waking up on the wrong side of the bed – or at least at the wrong time. I woke up at 8:55am and my first class was at 9:20am, so I had to jump up, throw on what I could, and run out the door.

With no makeup on, I made it to class and realized that I was actually supposed to be there earlier. Everyone turned and stared at me.

After class I rushed to finish my part of a group paper, which was due later on in the day. Granted, I should have worked on it earlier but the teacher is really weird and never gives us enough info or time to find all the things we need. I finished it up in time then emailed it to the group leader. Once I sent it I reopened the document to make sure it was good and realized two whole pages with important information were missing.

I had saved the document a hundred times, but the fucking pages just disappeared. I began to panic and looked everywhere on the computer but never found them. Then I rushed off to finish the video portion of the project, which I was in charge of.

Now of course something had to go wrong with it too. Once I got to putting the final touches on it, I realized that the whole voiceover was missing. I had pushed the wrong button on the audio recorder the night before and recorded nothing. I felt like a fucking idiot and rushed to record the audio with my own horrible voice, which made me late for the presentation of the project.

So, I came into the project late looking like shit because everyone was dressed up and I had what I threw together on and no makeup. I had planned on running home to change but had no time thanks to the audio thing. I was in front of some important people too.

Annndd then…without further adieu, the video that made me late for the class didn’t work during the presentation. The professor was disappointed and it made my group look bad as well. I felt like a complete jackass.

I came home after all this, got drunk, went to my night class, came back home and went to sleep, then stayed up half the night. Horrible fucking day. The only good part was coming to my senses in the end and realizing how stressed I am. I had a talk with my roommate and she reminded me about the whole learn from your mistakes thing, and now I actually feel a bit better. And I know you’re not supposed to start a sentence with And….And rereading this I can see how much of a whiney bitch I can be. But today really did suck.


Un-Romantic Relationships

Today I realized that all of the guys I have dated have been assholes. Big deal, you may say, welcome to my world. Well it is a big deal to me.

Let me give you an extremely brief version of my dating history. I dated my first boyfriend for four years in high school, then we broke up after I moved away to college. From then on, I have never been in another serious relationship. I have just had several flaky guys in my life – they never work out because they either just want sex or to use me for other reasons. I understand; sometimes I want sex with random strangers too, but the guys in my life have legit led me on. They ask me for my number, out to eat, or something else that makes me think they want a relationship, then end up tossing me to the side like I’m nothing to them. Sometimes I think it must be me but I have actually come to the conclusion that it’s not.

What I mean by this is that I am a nice person and I believe I am dating material. I take care of myself and have a laid-back, easy-to-get-along-with personality, and some common sense. I am myself with people and gradually open up and don’t give them everything at once – all the typical dating crap that’s supposed to work. It doesn’t.

My latest un-romantic relationship is courtesy of a guy that I’ll call Mark (remember, I want to be sorta anonymous with this!). So anyway, Mark is a complicated guy. He’s handsome and smart but kind of hard to read. I met him in class and he asked me to eat and a bunch of other stuff over the course of this semester but he still acts flaky. He tells me I’m pretty and sweet, so he must like me, yet he acts that way. What’s worse is that I continue to find out…interesting things about him.

Tonight a girl in my class group asked me if I knew Mark, seeming to recognized some connection between us even though we never let it show in class (it’s really small so that would be awkward). (PS. how do people always seem to know about your relationships out of the blue?!) Anyway, she told me that she thought he was a jerk and that she avoided him in class, making me realize what I knew all along. That I am done with him and all the assholes in general.

In conclusion, I am done with guys for a while, and I mean it this time! No homo, but I am just over men. I want to go out and have fun and forget trying so hard for all that crap that never works out – learn from my mistakes. Focus on the stuff that matters, like my future. Time to go work out.